#483 Spell Y’all

I was writing a commercial the other day, and I was attempting to do it in redneck lingo. Naturally, when I was done with the piece, I clicked over into mental editing mode and started parsing it for radio. Radio speak is also non-grammatically correct, leaving out many a modifier, preposition, and conjunction in the quest to be both persuasive and brief. When the document was done, it was almost solid green and red squiggly lines. You know what I mean, the mistakes so dense that when you go in to correct a red squiggler it won’t even suggest a spelling alternative till you deal with the green squiggler in which it’s nestled. So it occurred to me as I looked at the document that what the world needs is a redneck spellcheck. Country has taken over every other aspect of American life, from midnight cowboys to John Travolta bull riders. And beef is what’s for dinner again largely because of the basso profundo of that guy’s country-tinged good ol’ boy voice. So why wouldn’t it be a good idea to have redneck spellcheck? You could spell “get” g-e-t and the little red squiggler would come up and suggest g-i-t- “git.” “You all” would always be green-squiggled as y’all. You could set your autocorrect to always replace “that” with “that there” or the even more prairie poignant “them thar.” As in, “Hey I needs to git them thar possum bellies over to the moonshiner fore he lickers up his sister for the night. It would be great. And the envelope address tool on the whole redneck Word program would have the default address of “cuzzin.” As thar’s not one damn mailbox in any redneck town’s survived that thar cherry bomb festival nohow. It could open up a whole new vista of opportunities for Microsoft. I mean, you already have your choice of languages when you open up just about any new program. Why not dialect choices as well? Watch out for bugs though. Don’t want to confuse hip-hop slang with redneck spellcheck. Some unhip writer might talk about pimping someone’s rig.
America, ya gotta love it