#354 Loopy Car Heart

So I went into this new store the other day. It was one of those big giant humongous warehouse mega stores that are springing up across the American landscape like brontosauruses in the late Jurassic. And let me tell you it makes jur-ass-ache just to walk from one end of it to the other. My biggest problem with big giant mega stores, other than the fact that they actually have a horizon, is you get waylaid by the variety and rather than spend a half hour getting what you thought you came for, you get diverted and end up staying till the next epoch. Anyhow, this store seemed to be more hunter-sports oriented rather than, say, snowboard oriented. And it didn’t look like it was going to give REI any competition for the granola hikers. It seemed to appeal to folks who wanted to do more than take pictures of bears cavorting on the raspberry fields. This store was gonna set you up for the chunky makins of some old fashioned bear stew.
Still, they had a wide selection of a lot of the basics. I mean, hunters and hikers alike can appreciate the fine feeling foot comfort of Thorlo socks. And Smartwool doesn’t care about the relative smartness of its users vis-à-vis saving the planet or the culling of rapacious wildlife before it culls us, they just care if you’re smart enough to buy Smartwool. But the trick to stores like this is they don’t just offer one or two Smartwool selections. Oh no, they have every darn sock Smartwool ever made, in ten sizes and forty colors. Frankly, I didn’t know there were 12 distinct shades of buff—tan, khaki, ecru, or whatever.
In fact, there was whole section of store devoted to nothing but camouflage clothing and accessories. At least I think so. I couldn’t really see it—at least that clearly. I think I kind of felt a back pack or something. Really though, is a camouflage school backpack and lunchbox set that necessary? And also really, where was all the dayglo orange camo wear. These guys had a ton of green stuff. I don’t know about you, but the last time I went into the non-national park woods I wanted to wear a color that was as visible as possible. I mean, even if I was a bowman in the trees I’d still want my fellow hunters to see me before they fired a self-congratulatory rifleshot into the air after they figured out they didn’t need a bottle opener cause they could use the notch on their new hunters knife.
And talk about selection, the store had the complete Carhartt line—amazing; shirts, vests, pants, overalls, everything. I didn’t know Carhartt even made thongs. That’s Serious Carhartt. I especially like the little loop for your hammer. The Carhartt accessory for the clothing optional resort construction site. You got to have some place to hang your tools when you’re going at it hammer and thongs.
America, ya gotta love it.