#115 Deco-People

Understand that when I start going off on things I’m not talking about moderate stuff. When I make remarks about, say, nails—as in fancy finger—I’m not talking about the occasional digit decorator, I’m talking about the serial offender, and the incautious applier. I saw this lady the other day. She was bending over a client applying nails, a cloth mask on her face, and she was obviously about eight months pregnant. Sorry lady, I know it’s your job and everything, but whatever dangerous stuff is in nail shellac, your fetus ain’t gonna be protected from it by a piece of cloth.
Hair and nails are dead protein. Remnants really, that your body has co-opted to act as an insulation barrier. What with clothes and hats and AC and all we don’t need as much of it anymore, so it’s only natural that our breeding has led us to hold more beautiful the less hairy these days. Fuzzy is only cuddly on teddy bears.
So why is it that some people spend so much time doing their nails anyhow? And why are they often the same people who say they have no time to go to the gym. Here’s a suggestion. Take the time and money you spend every week on your dead protein and apply it to your live stuff. An extra hour of exercise a week, all other things being equal, will eventually lead you down the path of svelte-ness. Isn’t that better than little flowers painted on your toenails?
Yes, but it ain’t a quick beauty fix. We in America like our change right now. Take a diet pill, pay for 20 foils, take steroids for muscles, fake and bake a tan. Oh hell, that’s perty, apply a layer of toxic chemicals to my claws.
The quest for beauty is as old as civilization, maybe older, and the tendency to decorate the form is in the most primitive of cultures. Tattoos, pierced lips, and painted extremities all have their day. Nails are no exception. But in this busy, bustling, not-enough-time-to-stop-and-smell-the-coffee society, I’m personally more attracted to a woman who doesn’t spend a lot of time having her nails done. Too much time on her hands, I think. Literally. But that’s okay, nail painters are usually not attracted to practical, unromantic, no-time-for-a-princess me either. Nature finds a balance.
But just when you think you’ve heard it all, our get-a-life culture comes up with another extreme. Combining the spray-on tan fad with the artistic abilities of air-brush painters, certain areas are now offering spray-on muscle definition. That’s right, you can have a six-pack sprayed on to your flabby gut. Using spray tan, toning and airbrush shadowing technique, you too can have a marvelous midriff, ripped deltoids and delicately bulging biceps. Is this a great country or what?
Yeah, Mitzi, I’ll have the perm and the foils, oh, and the flags on my nails―and have Raul tone up my belly. Oh, heck, let’s just spring for the whole Shania special...
America, ya gotta love it.