#101 Nerd Names

You never hear the name Enid any more. Or Gussie or Gertrude. I’m guessing you wouldn’t hear a lot of Edgar either if it wasn’t for a certain Hispanic baseball player whose parents perhaps had a German friend anxious to emigrate to a Latin American country after WWII. Anyhow, times being what they are, names are focused more on the Jennifers, Jessicas, Jerods and Jacobs than they are on the Gussies and Gertrudes. Howards and Harolds have also fallen out of favor. I don’t think it’s because with each decade we focus on a different section of the alphabet, after all, back in Adam’s time, there wasn’t any biblical mention of Archibald or Algernon. It’s just fashion.
So you wonder how if you take one pretty nerdy name, like say, Merle, and add another one, like say, Norman, you end up with a line of designer beauty products. Either name taken in and of itself promises that that individual had more than one wedgie in his teenage past. Lets face it, country outlaws to the side, the name Merle left many a unpopular teenage boy haggard from the exhaustion of running away from the hazing gang. And Norman? Forget proud French and English ancestry. The Norman Kings and the Norman coast don’t hold a candle to Norman the nosepicker when it comes to nerdliness.
So how is it that Merle Norman became such a successful line of cosmetics? Well, partly through salesmanship and Tupperware-style marketing in its early years. And partly through adhering to the two-first-name strategy for American designer success. As In Paul Mitchell. You got your Paul and you got your Mitchell. Evoking Your Peter Paul and Mary, and your Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels. Folk and Motor City Soul, could your hair be any more beautiful? Or how about Ralph Lauren? Ralph was another one of those teenage millstone names. Depending on your locale, and the size of your high school’s bowling team, it could be an asset or a liability. Lauren? Well, let’s just say Lauren was a little too “French” for most of the football torture squad. But Ralph Lauren together—that’s a different story. It was probably all those junior high years with his high water pants pulled up to his armpits that convinced old Ralphy that America was ready to pay a hundred bucks for a pair of holey jeans. And history was made.
So you got to wonder: Bill Gates, if he’d only had a second first name, what kind of clothes would we be wearing today? Would they develop sudden holes that he’d then send us patches for, or when he fixed the defect, charge us for a whole new set of pants? And what’s the deal with Paul Allen anyhow? Having a hand in designing the Experience Music project building was a start, but if he really wants to live up to his names, I’m thinking a line of sports-inspired clothing would be right up his alley. Or maybe he could just design a strategy for the Trailblazers that would involve winning...
America, ya gotta love it.