#231 CaNaDa

There’s an old joke. How did they name Canada? Two northerners sitting around and they’re throwing out letters for consideration. One says “C” eh? The other one says “N” eh? And the last one says “D”eh? We say we’re from America. The Canadians maintain we’re from “The States,” since they assert some claim to America as well. Right. Like any Italian mariners ever got close to their frozen wastes. Canadians seem a little strange. It’s not just because they say “eh” and GARage and aboat and oat. It’s not just because they have a great healthcare system. That all the big money U.S. medical lobbiests are always taking potshots at. Saying they have long lines and sub-standard care and etc. And yet, for all the supposedly horrendous medical costs Ford finds it more productive and profitable to build a plant there because the medical costs are taken out of the employees’ checks like social security not the employers’ bottom line. And let’s face it, Canadian prescription costs are cheap enough to tempt ordinarily law-abiding American senior citizens into the dangerous world of across the border drug smuggling. Cheap arthritis pills are more tempting than cocaine to these folks. Recreational highs got nothing on pain relief. The heat is on.
No, what’s most annoying about Canada is their weird sense of language. If you ever turn to the Canadian channel and watch, you notice that they take a long time to say stuff. Kind of go around the bend a little first. Repeat themselves in a subtly redundant way that sounds polished and snooty but is really just the timid utterance of a childlike culture that’s never really broken away from the apron stings of mother England. What can you expect? When they have a hot day it’s like 37 degrees, when we have a hot day it’s 100. Celsius and Fahrenheit just take you to a different temperature perspective. Our version is just naturally more hyped.
Anyhow, one example of how Canadians don’t get American language is when they name a sports team that is going to compete in one of our leagues. Like the Montreal Expos. Ooh. The fighting Expos, watch out, we might pull down our pants. Or the Toronto Blue Jays—don’t mess with us, we’ll poop on your windshield. Or the most recent in they just don’t get it Canadians team names: The Toronto Raptors. Had anyone except for a few scientists ever even heard the term “raptors” before Jurassic park? Is this the sort of name to grasp the public imagination? To get the fans all fired up? How about Dragons, or Thunderlizards? Raptors? It seems so needlessly scientific. And it’s this year’s Canadian expansion team from Manitoba—the fighting Homo Sapiens.
America, ya gotta love it.