#13 Popper-Upper

Among the people I’d like to remove forcibly from this earth is the guy who invented the computer code that brought us pop-ups. My teeth grate when I even think the word. What used to be a wonderful experience, settling down in front of the computer and doing some mild knowledge surfing, has been forever ruined by those dastardly electronic devils that suddenly appear in front of whatever it is I want to see like an annoying hyperactive child in the front row at the movie theatre. Now I’m condemned to spending five minutes cycling through the two spyware cleansing programs and updating the three pop-up blockers I have on my computer just to enjoy one uninterrupted ten minute session of etymology research. Did you know the word “hooters” refers to owls?
Some people call pop-ups the junk mail of the internet, but, sorry, I don’t remember the last time my junk mail reached out of my mail box, grabbed me by the neck and forced me to read it. Pop-ups are the worst form of advertising. And don’t say they are like TV ads. TV ads at least travel in packs, and the program you wish to view has predictable periods of uninterrupted pleasure. Pop-ups are like a fly buzzing in front of your face. Or a June bug in your mouth when you’re riding your motorcycle. You want to swat them, and you sure don’t want to swallow them.
Given their universal lack of appeal, you gotta wonder why any company would use them to advertise a product. I for one, have never, and will never, patronize any place or purchase any product that uses pop-ups to get my attention. I don’t think I’m alone. So what’s the appeal? Are there really folks out there surfing the net who get a pop-up for free organ enhancement or guaranteed hair replacement and say: “Hey, where do I enter my credit card info, mother's maiden name and social security number? No problem. I mean, if these people popped up on my computer they must be legit, right?”
If so, then it’s those dufusses that are driving this engine of commerce and it’s them that we need to find a way to eliminate from our gene pool. Or maybe we can just make sure it’s only their computers that get the pop-ups in the first place. That’s it. That’s a good unregulated capitalist solution. Do it at the point of sale. Compaq’s new Impressario—with organ enhancement and trips to Vegas. Get the streamlined Dell Dimension—and lose 30 pounds in 30 days, guaranteed. 0% down and no payments for a year.
Really.
Trust me.
America, ya gotta love it.