#1147 Bar Hands

I’ve had occasion in the last few weeks, in the pursuit of my occupation, to sit in a few bars.
I think bars must be for tough people. Why else would so many bars go for that western look? You see a lot of them set up with a long rustic slab of wood. So rustic, in fact, you wonder there aren’t sawdust shavings on the floor.
I don’t know about you, but I think sawdust shavings on the floor to absorb chaw spit really makes a place look purty.
Bars also usually feature barstools. I guess so the bartender doesn’t have to lean over to set your drinks in front of you. But barstools are inherently dangerous for the inebriated, as you have further to fall when you’re falling down drunk. I’m surprised no one has ever mounted a class action suit against unsafe barstool altitudes. Must be that western tough thing.
I’m also surprised, given bars’ western motif, that the bartenders are called that. Cattle tenders aren’t called cattle tenders. They’re called cowboys or cow hands. Or ranch hands. So why not bar hands?
And speaking of hands, here’s the thing I’ve noticed regarding bartenders. They never have those plastic food service gloves on. I take that back. I saw one bartender slip on a pair to cut a bar sandwich. But that same bartender scooped out a glassful of snack mix with his bare hand.
And later that evening he joined the ranks of other bartenders I’ve seen lately, who arrange edible drink garnish with their bare hands. You know what I mean, celery, olives, pickled green beans, pickles themselves.
One guy even squeezed a lime into my beer with his bare thumb and index finger and stuffed it into the neck of the bottle. The bottle whose now contaminated mouth I was about to put my mouth on.
Apparently drinking can be hazardous to your health in numerous ways. Who’d have thought pickled green beans in a Bloody Mary could be a swine flu vector.
Then again, dainty plastic gloves on the bartender don’t go well with sawdust on the floor, partner.
So tough it out and suck it up. And hand me another.
And while you’re at it, remember Purell has one key active ingredient. Alcohol.
America, ya gotta love it.