#1146 Um...‘Brella?

It was one of those blustery Northwest days, the wind making it rain sideways. I was driving down by the Capitol so I saw lots of state workers making their way from parking lots to buildings.
I noticed a surprisingly ragged selection of umbrellas. The tines were bent, the edges were tattered and worst of all, the umbrellas themselves seemed about ready to do an inside-outer, that umbrella inversion so popular in the northwest.
It’s amazing. We live with the rain for 9 months a year and yet we invest in the poorest of raingear. It’s as if 16-foot drifted Midwesterners were only to buy those thin plastic snow-shovels we use around here for our paltry 2 inches of annual snow.
Why is this? Better umbrellas are available. I saw one that day. It was about 4 feet in diameter. It was deep enough inside for your head and shoulders. It had heavy-duty tines so it resisted bending and breaking. And, most importantly, it had vent flaps, so the wind couldn’t catch it and invert it.
Then it occurred to me. I’d hate to leave that umbrella behind in a restaurant. And there’s the fudge factor. The more you pay for something, the more it hurts when you inadvertently leave it behind.
The kind of umbrella I saw most of the state workers sporting were ones you’d want to leave behind—tired, torn, tattered and bedraggled. Like a bum you’d like to kick out of town.
Please lose it at the lunch counter.
We don’t keep our umbrellas close like our coats. We don’t have hatcheck places at fast food joints. We stand our wet umbrellas against the wall and forget them. A spiffy hundred-dollar umbrella that really works gets lost as easily as a 6.99 jobbie from Walgreen’s.
The answer? Make the umbrella even more expensive. Install a proximity chip, with an alarm that goes off when your umbrella gets further than 10 feet away. Better yet. Have it call your cellphone so it doesn’t disturb people if you use the restaurant restroom.
Yeah that’s it. The smart-brella. Opposite of the dumb-brella.
Recommended by the navigation lady in your car...
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