#260 Wi-fidelity

The other day I was at a coffee shop. An internet café. A Wi-Fi enabled nexus of conviviality. In it were geeks, Goths, and aspiring writers of various ages and descriptions. The vast majority of them were sitting at the little two-people tables once reserved for cocktail lounges. Sadly, one of the chairs was always empty. Not to worry though, all these folks had a companion, their laptop. Now there was a day where it was considered bad form to manipulate your laptop in public, but now it’s all the rage. People whip out their keyboards and whack away like there’s no one else in the world. So my big question is, why do they have to come out in public to do it? See, when I write, I do so at home, my coffee pot is close, and the environment is such that I can control the temperature, the noise and the stray canines. In Wi-Fi joints you have to work really hard to tune out all that extraneous stuff. Ergo, there must be a deeper reason. Perhaps companionship? These folks are just asking for it. They are there, not to get that important final paper done, or hack out that news story right before deadline, or even email that special resume to monster.com. They are there to be seen doing all those things. See, I have technology. See, I’m connected. See, I just plunked down 1000 bucks on this super laptop so I can look like I have a life. I suppose it’s no different than shelling out 30 grand for a big-wheeled tuck and cruising up and down Main Street trolling for chicks. Both are modern mating displays. Everyone’s looking for someone. But in a way the Wi-Fi version’s a little pathetic. You go into one of these places and the first thing you are struck with is the noise. By which I mean, the lack of it. The silence is deafening, punctuated only by the clack of the keyboards and the occasional sibilant hiss of the espresso machine. Togetherness in not on the internet café menu.
So here’s a modern mating tip or two. 1) Try not to be too obvious a poser. When someone gets the right angle on your laptop try not to A: be playing a game of solitaire—much, much too lonely looking or B: be surfing the Wi-Fi waves to porn sites. 2) Don’t get too big a laptop. Size is not everything. Accessibility is important. Say you’re Supergeek, and a ravishing Goth chick with a two-way plunks down in the empty chair at your table. How ya gonna chat her up if you’re both craning over the top of your mega monitor? You could call her on her cellphone with your vonage and text across the table, but really, lip to lip has its strengths in that whole mating thing. 3) Accessorize properly. I saw this lady the other day. She was apparently writing her novel. Nothing on the table but a machiato and a laptop. The only thing out of place was the pencil behind her ear. Hmm. Seems like mating is for survival of the species, not survival of the specious...

America, ya gotta love it.