#235 F-Series

As I was almost run over by a monster truck the other day, I chanced to look at its brand marker on the lower right tailgate. It said F-something. Something pricked my mind. I remember a guy, whose advice and counsel I value very much, declaiming one day on the F-Series mentality. Or any truck series really. Seems the more powerful the truck, the bigger disdain these yahoos have for the rest of us poor sedan drivers. They’ll rumble up beside you, cut you off in traffic on a sudden lane switch, and sneer at you through their chaw-stained teeth, daring you to assert your right of way. Or they won’t look at you at all—as if you’re some kind of bug—while they shout into their cellphone and juggle their coffee cup full of tobaccy juice.
I read an article in the Seattle PI the other day about a scientific study done with bats. Apparently, bats with bigger testicles have smaller brains than bats with normal ones. According to FCC regulations, in any 2-minute essay I’m allowed one scientific use of that word so from this point on I’ll use a euphemism to describes the, um, boys. Let’s call them, oh, I don’t know, trucks. Seems that bat males with bigger trucks have them because on an evolutionary scale it gives them a better chance to reproduce and pass on their genes. Not pass out while they’re in their jeans, pass on their genes. As in chromosomes. The enquiring scientist who wanted to know said that it turns out size does matter. Bats with larger, um, trucks, had smaller brains, and showed less aptitude for complex reasoning skills, ability to multitask and capacity to negotiate through bat traffic while out on the nightly bug hunt. They also expressed a blatant disregard for the subtleties of a fine Washington merlot. In order to achieve such prodigious truck size, scientists explain there has to be a trade off. Both big brains and big trucks require an enormous physiological investment. That body energy has to come from somewhere. There are no free lunches. The interesting thing is that the bats that have developed larger trucks have done so as a result of evolutionary pressure engendered by loose bat women. Turns out that in bat species where the females are promiscuous, the male bats have bigger trucks. In bat species where the females are monogamous, males have smaller trucks and bigger brains. Perhaps so they can figure out how to keep their bat-wife happy when her bat clothes make her look fat. The big-trucked males have to get their big trucks because in mating competition, evolutionary survival becomes a matter of who can deliver the most cargo to the manufacturers of future bats. The bat with the truck that can move the most genetic cargo into the factory stands the best chance of having it be manufactured into another one in the, um, series.
America, ya gotta love it.