1946 Air Pains

I got wind of a new scientific study recently that has helped answer that age old question: Why does sitting on an airplane lead to gas?
For years airplane food has been blamed. Even the short flights loaded you with peanuts, and it's well known peanuts create intestinal issues. And sometimes they issue too far.
But that's been a hard theory to let fly unchallenged. Especially since so few airplanes now serve food. And so many passengers still feel a little bloaty.
Fortunately, recent research led by a team of gastroenterologists has concluded that the airplane peanuts connection is inflated. Seems it’s actually all a matter of pressure. Cabin pressure that is.
First, let me congratulate the gastroenterologists on the intestinal fortitude it must have taken to engage in the study to begin with. Flatulence is no laughing matter --- well, okay, it is --- but to endure your fellow scientists' laughter in the pursuit of gastroenterological truth is a noble calling.
Putting the gas in gastroenterology front and center.
In any event, the team of researching doctors found that changes in airplane cabin pressure alter the volume of gasses in our intestines, much like nitrogen bubbles in blood veins affect scuba divers. Except in this case the gut bends lead to, as the scientists put it, "little eruptions."
Think Krakatoa.
The doctors warned that trying to restrain the eruptions from venting externally could lead to significant drawbacks, like indigestion and stomach pain.
They also noted that, should one vent one's expanded air pressure in order to avoid such drawbacks, "Proximity to other passengers may cause conflict and stigmatization of the offending individual."
Yeah, when I sit next to such a pass-enger, stigmatization is right up there with disgust.
Especially if dis-gust is blowing my way.
America, ya gotta love it.