1715 Ripped Tide

There's been an odd spate of news stories recently about basic American products. Like the whole ground beef/pink slime thing. Recently, another bizarre tale bubbled up. It involved, of all things, laundry detergent. Specifically, a rash of thefts of the laundry detergent Tide.
That's right. Perpetrators purloining Tide Detergent. Dirty business indeed. There's been a recent surge in shopliftings at various supermarkets and big box stores. Thieves whisking in, loading carts with boxes of Tide, and then getting clean away.
Why? You ask. Is there some secret Sudafed-like ingredient in Tide? Some arcane chemical normally used for fluffing or freshening that also converts into meth-amphetamine. The answer is no. Tide is worth something on the black market all by itself. Or maybe not black market so much as just plain soiled market.
Seems Tide has just the right new and improved ingredients. It's both expensive and completely useful to just about everybody. So when thieves steal it, they're always sure of getting at least 50 cents on the dollar when they unload it later.
And that's the high-efficiency load.
Still, it brings to mind all the criminal things you'd expect. What thief is going to stop with dealing straight Tide? Especially since white powder is pretty much ubiquitous in our consumer culture. You can hear them in the meth trailers now. "Dude this Tide’s not pure, it's been cut...with Duz."
"Damn Detergent Gang! Mine's been cut with salt. My tank top undershirts feel sweatier than when they went in the washer."
Police report they're cleaning up the streets where store owners were most agitated. Officers have been detailed to spot suspicious bulges under shirts indicating large rectangular boxes.
And it's working. They say with this particular crime wave, the tide has turned.
America ya gotta love it.