#1211 Recall HVP

The headlines couldn’t have been scarier. “Massive HVP recall called, all of America affected!”
What? I thought. Am I that out of the loop? When did Toyota start making something called an HVP? Is that their hybrid? HVP—Hybrid Vehicle Prius?
Nope. As usual, the first conclusion my twisted mind jumps to was wrong. HVP has nothing to do with automobile accidents. Unless you’re eating gravy while you’re driving. Or perhaps a steaming bowl of chili drops onto your lap, oozes down to the accelerator and makes it stick at high speeds.
Because HVP stands for Hydrolyzed Vegetable Protein. It’s used in sauces, gravies and all sorts of prepared food. It’s also available in dry sauce and gravy mixes. Just add water and, in this case, salmonella, for a truly explosive gustatory experience.
Yep, salmonella, our one bacteria friend with two friendly names. It’s Sam and Ella’s Gravy. You’ll be hugging the thundermug tonight.
What’s the difference between sauce and gravy by the way? Is it a thinness issue? Are sauces runnier than gravy? On a runny factor of one to ten, after five is a gravy?
That’s where eleven is a pudding.
I did love that they said they were “calling an HVP recall.” Calling a recall always sounds like I’m standing at echo canyon.
But it is serious. Most HVP is made in one plant. A place called Basic Food Flavors in, of all places, Las Vegas. Apparently not everything that happens in Vegas stays down in Vegas.
But what really got me upset was when I heard a couple of the actual foods involved. Like Pringles. That’s right, the anal retentive chips in a tube. And not just any of them. The Pringles Restaurant Cravers Cheeseburger potato crisps and the Pringles Family Faves Taco Night potato crisps.
What great names. You can tell the Pringles folks don’t advertise on the radio. “Pringles Restaurant Cravers Cheeseburger potato crisps,” gee whiz, add some hokey cliché and you got a 15-second ad right there.
How about this? Pringles Restaurant Cravers Cheeseburger potato crisps and Pringles Family Faves Taco Night potato crisps, vacation time, picnic time, fun time, now with salmonella, for the family that’s on the move and likes to get going...
America, ya gotta love it.