#907 Marshchokers

So I’m making fudge the other day, it’s that season again, and I couldn’t help being drawn to the ingredients listed on the marshmallow package.
There were a lot of them.
You’d think that, you know, they’re more or less puffed sugar, but that’s too simple for even the simplest of foods. So marshmallows also incorporate the dubious enhancement of “tetrasodium pyrophosphate as, so the package says, a “whipping aid.”
Well. That’s what always goes wrong with my meringue. I need to add a little tetrasodium pyrophosphate.
It’s a little scary though. “Pyro” means fire if I’m not mistaken. And phosphorous is that glow-in-the-dark stuff. Is this why you can be roasting a marshmallow, all perfect and light brown, and in the blink of an eye, it bursts into flame?
Like I said, scary. Scarier still is the red-bordered box next to the ingredients list on the package. It says, “Choking Warning.”
Now choking’s no joke but still, doesn't every food fit broadly under the category of choking hazard? I’d hate to see our litigious society eventually force us to label all food suchly.
The choking warning goes on to say, “Eat one at a time.” Oh yeah. Apparently stuffing your mouth with marshmallows can lead to choking. But really, the same can be said for raw broccoli florets.
Then they go on to recommend that the marshmallows be cut into bite size pieces for children under six. Those are going to be tough to stick on a stick come s’more time.
They also recommended behavioral parenting tips, with the admonition, “children should be seated and supervised while eating.” Because you know, children running around the house with mouths stuffed full of non-bite-sized marshmallows could choke.
I expect we’ll see a warning label on scissors soon. “Do not run with.”
And every scout leader will need a pack of stickers for the next time the troop makes s’mores around the campfire—warning stickers to be attached to the sticks you use to roast marshmallows.
They’ll read, “Caution: do not stick stick on or near face. You could poke your eye out.”
America, ya gotta love it.