2238 Dirty Dollars

They talk about criminals caught for money laundering. Based on a recent article I read, maybe we should pay them to do it more.

The article was about how scientists had taken a sample of ordinary paper money to see what was on it. Not long ago a similar sampling had shown that it wasn't unusual to find traces of cocaine. Cocaine is everywhere. Even the city of London recently determined there are traces of cocaine in its water supply. No wonder England swings like a pendulum do.

These scientists was looking for something else: bacteria. And boy did they find it. They examined pieces of eighty one-dollar bills from a Manhattan bank and found 1.2 billion DNA segments. 

About half the DNA was human, so you foil-hatters can rest easy about aliens handling our money supply on the sly. Or maybe not, since 20% was unidentifiable. But researchers were able to finger any number of nasty microbes hitchhiking on the bills. More than 3000 types to be exact.

Bacteria linked to gastric ulcers, pneumonia, food poisoning, and staph infections, especially antibiotic-resistant staph. Lesson here: Don't accept cash for your change at a pharmacy. 

The most common microbes found were those responsible for acne. Eww. Makes one wonder what teenagers are doing with their money. I know "paper" currency is actually made of shredded cloth, but last I checked, dollar bills didn't make good Kleenex.

The really spooky thing is the cotton-linen blend of money's raw material seems to encourage bacterial growth when mixed with oily human residue. Yes, bacteria were actually actively growing on the money.

By the way. They also found bacteria associated with fecal matter. Double-Eww. I guess they'll need a new sign at McDonalds. “Please wash hands after paying for meal”…

America, ya gotta love it. 

2237 Un-Fair

I was at a community fair recently and like most such events it offered the opportunity to appreciate humanity and its creations in all its diverse glory. Happy kids, sad kids, kids screaming in fear at creepy clowns. Kids nearly getting run down by miniature trains while parents looking at their phones ignored them.

One lady came up to my booth. Her kid reached for some candy. "Say 'thank you'" she admonished. "Thank you," the kid said. Then the parent took another piece and started to walk off. 

"Say 'thank you,'" I said.

She smiled sheepishly, well aware she'd been caught in one of those "Do as I say, not as I do" moments we've all faced as parents.

I noticed something interesting about today's fair food too: Traditional food repackaged in less messy ways. Like cotton candy in a bag. 

I'm not sure how I feel about it. One the one hand, it's not sticking to your hand as bad. And plucking it from a bag means it won't droop on the paper holder. But I think I'd miss the facial feel of the old days. The light brush of spun sugar tickling my cheeks as I tried to eat it. Then again, one rain burst and you no longer have cotton candy, just dripping goo on a stick.

Speaking of dripping, that's the other repackaged item I noticed. Snow Cones in big plastic containers --- with spoons.  Again, a breakaway from using your face to forage for food. Inventing a cheap throwaway plastic container so you can eat a snow cone with a spoon. How dainty. And un-fair like.

Of course, it wasn't actually a snow cone. It was Hawaiian Shaved Ice.

Which always makes me wonder: How hairy was the ice to begin with...?

America, ya gotta love it. 

2236 Self Rule

In a recent essay I mentioned how we seem to be a society of rule ignorers. And it's getting worse. That old maxim, "It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission," once a last resort to justify emergency selfish plans, is now graven into the rock of our social mores like an 11th commandant. (BTW, Hell with those regular stone 10 commandments, we take our new morals from I-tablets.)

I mentioned how people ignore the "No Cellphones" sign in my health club locker room. The same day I wrote that essay I went to the club and a guy actually had an iPhone inside the sauna. Everyone sweating and buck-naked and him on his smartypants phone. I hope he fried his antenna.

Maybe there's a simple early diagnostic test for rule breakers. Not an app on a smartphone. Something as simple as letting them color in a coloring book. Remember how they told us to stay in the lines?

I remember some kids were quite obsessive about it. Any little smidgen of errant wax ruining their day. You could definitely judge how a child was doing in his or her socialization process by their progress in staying within the lines. 

I strayed quite a bit at first, but mostly because I was a pretty spazzy youth. Given to wild gestures and jerks as my limbs sought to release pent-up energy. Once I learned to master my energies by exhausting myself at recess that abated. 

I also learned that if one was dissatisfied with the limits of the drawings one could put the white crayon to good use. Coloring the white onto the black line and changing the image to suit my own plans.

Not sure what that says about me.  

America, ya gotta love it.